Today at 1:02pm EST, my hairdryer passed quietly from this world. Ailing for the past week, the lifesaving procedure undertaken by Doctor Charlie The Engineer was deemed unsuccessful and we said our quiet goodbyes. The cord was pulled and he slipped away from us, into a plastic trash bag with little to no fanfare, just warm — ok, hot — remembrances.
He is remembered for his many worthy accomplishments, the most striking of which include the Great Curly Hair Experiment of 2008, the Most Attractive Stacked Bob Ever of 2004 and the Imperious Wedding Face Hairstyle from earlier this year.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations in his name to be made to the Official Oh That Meredith Ulta and Sephora Charitable Funds.
So, I know I owe you (ok, well, me, but still) a few apologies for late posts, skipping posts, throwing up photo posts as cop outs and the like, but instead of groveling or any form of sincerity, I’ve decided to brazen myself right on through it.
Moving right along.
If you didn’t vote today, lie and tell me you did. That, or remind me you’re from a country more enlightened than mine.
Election day is, of course, highly important, if only right now because it comes as the first non-hangover day for most fun-loving and/or douchey adults in the United States.
There are a lot of douches. Hate that.
I myself have no hangover, which is relatively sad, because it is further evidence of my curtailed activities in the face of the THREE WEEK HEADACHE FROM HELL. Which has been determined to not be the bacterial sinus infection that earned me two shots of ridiculopainful medication IN MY ASS (jerks!) and one healthy prescription of lortab (angels!).
Of course, I say all of this (lortabbed out) really only to introduce the following photographs.
my kind of tea party
Press Release Source: Meredith’s Hot Inc. On Tuesday, October 26, 2010, 11:00 pm EDT
ATLANTA, GA, Oct. 26 / MerNewsNetwork / – In an announcement that surprised her vast fan base, internet celebrity Meredith Blumoff this afternoon endorsed leading internet superstar Guilty Squid in the worldwide election for internet coroner.
As previously reported, after a spiritual weekend with her Reiki master, the Texan superstar decided to realign her fame and outreach in an effort to improve the world around her, namely the interwebs.
Along that vein, Ms. Squid reportedly meditated on the subject, rather than research and weigh options, and in an epiphany, realized her life’s ambition would be to serve as coroner of the internet.
“Today, my friends, I am announcing my candidacy for the position of Honorary Coroner of The Internet. Friends, this is not a decision I took seriously,” said the superstar during a televised junket earlier this week. “Rather, I just jumped right in without even thinking about it. I don’t have any illusions about the hard work it will take to win, in fact – it was pretty hard work to even GET here. So, there’s that.”
Ms. Blumoff, of course, known for her pithy statements and profound blog posts, has never before entered into the political arena in any way, preferring to spend her mental and emotional energy on much more serious issues facing mankind, not least of which include her hair and footwear choices.
However, encouraged by her mother Jane, the young idol stated this afternoon that she felt it her duty to speak up about the importance of the role of internet coroner and encourage others to vote.
“My friends, it is a new day in my world, as I dip my perfectly pedicured toes into the political waters speaking to you today,” Ms. Blumoff said in a strong, quiet voice. “While I have avoided the nasty world of politics before now, I feel I must speak to you about an important crisis facing our nation. And other nations, too. All of them.”
Ms. Blumoff continued talking about the importance of the position and of the race, as it faces a new population in a new era, even relaying internet forensic pathology statistics in her speech.
She then continued brightly, “And that is why I am taking this moment out of my very busy day to lend my support to the very best candidate for the job, my friend Guilty Squid!”
The announcement, of course, was greeted with the enthusiastically positive response to which Ms. Blumoff is accustomed.
While the young celebrity’s friendship with Ms. Squid has been well documented, it does come as quite the shocker that Ms. Blumoff would involve herself in any way in a political race. Indeed, this intrepid reporter finds herself none too astonished the young beauty understands the impact her backing will have on the election, or the vast importance the election itself holds.
Nevertheless, all citizens of the internet are encouraged to exercise their right to vote in this election for whichever candidate they feel will do the best job.
Cough, cough, Guilty Squid.
Me: Just got out of the shower and put all the goop in my hair, but I really don’t wanna do it.
Hex: But it’s a matter of interplanetary importance! If you don’t do your hair, we don’t need to worry about 2012. The world will end today!
Me: Heh. You realize I do my hair very rarely these days, since the buyer’s-remorse haircut. It’s too short.
Hex: No wonder there are all these “natural” disasters. It’s all your fault!
Me: Wait a minute. You know, the miners DID get trapped around the time I decided I wanted to cut my hair.
Hex: Yep. I know. So? Stop fucking with the natural order!
Me: Well, come on! If someone would just pay me to do so, I’d have really hot fucking hair every day!
Hex: Since you pay me in baked goods, I’m not exactly rolling in dough.
(Get it? Dough? AHHH, I slay me!)
Hex: But you could always hold world governments hostage, you know. “Oh, you don’t want earthquakes and tornadoes and disaster? Then pay me. I’ll do my hair and we’ll all be fine. If you don’t? Hope you like Armageddon, motherfuckers!”
Me: Hmmm. I think I underbaked-goods you.
Hex: We both know it could work. And start with places that are way poor. Then? The richer countries see you’re not screwing around.
Me: Ohhh! Because Libya would TOTALLY go for that! Hell, they wanna send me money from my dead British relatives all the time!
Hex: I mean, you give a place like Somalia protection from nature’s wrath? Dubai’s gonna step up quick.
Me: Man, I picked a good geek. Hex? I believe you may have just written tonight’s post.
Hex: Just don’t discount the potential for earning cash monies. Which, if you get some, you need to share with yours truly. You can keep any cattle that countries may pay you in.
Me: So generous.