Tag Archives: Guilty Squid

hey world. here i am., i am serious and don't call me shirley!, The Great Autumn Headache of 2010, what sweet madness

In which I determine my illness is simply more evidence I’m becoming superhuman.

Last summer, one of my favorite people out there, Guilty Squid, wrote about how she was turning blue — an unexplained medical phenomenon — and therefore obviously becoming a superhero.

As the nerdy fangirl I am, I then badgered her with love until she made me her sidekick and now loves me forever and all times.

Tangent! We’ll discuss my oddly successful friend-rape strategies another time.

Moving along.

It’s well documented — in whining — that I’ve now been suffering from an interminable headache since the middle of October. Indeed, this past Sunday marked the start of week 10. In medical parlance, this is called status migrainosis, and in February, ObamaCare will help me determine what’s wrong and how to fix it.

I love my ObamaCare. Ahem.

You’re all also well aware, no doubt, that I have both amazing hair and a not-insignificant rack.

Yes, these are important facts, when combined with this latest development:

Last night, my thighs turned purple.

No, really, purple.

I did not wear purple or blue pants that might have shared some of their dye with my dermis; I did not stomp around in buckets of grapes; I did not make fake snow angels with purple tempera on the driveway, even though I wanted to.

I wasn’t sitting weird; I didn’t tuck my legs underneath me; I have no bruises; there is no chafing; I haven’t taken any different meds, other than the eleventy billion supplements Kooky Doctor has suggested.

And I made my sister — not Doctor Sister, the other one; her name is Carrie and she’s married to an airman and my father called her Sister AirBitch the other day and so now that’s what we’re going with — who’s in town visiting from base, come and verify the fact of the purple so I’m totally not making this up, even if I didn’t take a picture and have, thus, no evidence.

Second source confirmation, bitches.

Let us review:

  1. Have prolonged, unexplained illness.
  2. Skin has turned unnatural color.
  3. Fabulous hair.
  4. Killer tits.

Marvel should be calling any minute, right?

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good life choices, i am serious and don't call me shirley!

In which I give you the tale of Guilty Squid.

Once up on a time, really not that long ago, I swear, there was an adorable little girl somewhere in Mumbleglurble, Texas.

You can’t expect me to keep track of places in Texas, for Pete’s sake. Come now.

Ahem.

Said adorable sweetums had the rosiest of cheeks, the shiniest of auburn hairs – a full head of them! – and the most charming little cupid’s bow mouth. A friend to all, you could find her singing with the fauna as she swept out her little forest cottage or singing with the birds while she bathed in the nearby stream.

With irrational fears of spindles and poisoned apples, the parent-free and enemy-less girl was a quiet kid when around other people. Intimidated by their vivacity and sheer wakefulness, she found solace with her forest creature friends.

And yet, our sweet hero found herself lonely without human companionship. She ached not for a prince to come but a mystery to solve, to understand people – without any of that silly “spending time with them” involved.

Besides, people always seemed to want to touch her. Why all of the touching? The cherry nature of her cheeks was not intentional! They did not say “pinch me”! And the hugging! Why was there always hugging? The impertinence of it all, really. Ugh.

And so the little one grew older, as little ones tend to do, and within her grew that desire to understand the workings of life, just without all the cheerfulness and physical intimacy that comes with actually interacting with others.

Until one day, when writing away for the necessary biohazard anatomy materials she’d need to complete her medical school correspondence course, it dawned on her – though technically human, she’d never felt nearly so uncomfortable nor squeamish around cadavers.

This simple yet deadly realization dawned upon her like a new day’s dew, fresh, slimy and bright.

“That’s it!” she cried to her best fox Steve. “Now I’ll feel like a real girl!”

And so, our young friend redoubled her efforts in those medical school correspondence courses, suffered through authentic human communications to complete her forensic residency and began to dream incredible dreams.

Oh, how she dreamed!

She could fix the torn spots in her little thatched roof and feel the cold marble of her future morgue.

She could close her eyes and smell the magical aroma of formaldehyde.

She could touch the fabric of her thin scrubs and feel the embroidered letters of her name on that crisp white jacket.

She could stare at the stupid young intern blathering on before her and see him prostrate on her table, Y incision complete.

Oh, yes, she dreamed. She’d bring big changes to the morgue. Big, big changes. From ribbons for toe tags to spice each day up to preparing for battle in the face of the impending zombie apocalypse.

And so she dreamed.

My friends, I do not tell you this tale just to lighten your heart or bring you good cheer.

Nay, there are much more important things at stake than your entertainment. No, really. There are.

That young girl with such big dreams? She stands before you now, up for a position, indeed, beyond the wildest of her dreams.

I give you, your next Internet Coroner, Guilty Squid!

If you haven’t been paying attention, that’s ok, because that means you still haven’t voted, which makes you just another potential vote in the offing. And THAT means you should go vote now. By clicking on the clickety below. Oh, and if you want, like, details? Go here. Tada!

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good life choices, i am serious and don't call me shirley!

In which I officially endorse Guilty Squid for Honorary Coroner of the Internet.

Press Release Source: Meredith’s Hot Inc. On Tuesday, October 26, 2010, 11:00 pm EDT

ATLANTA, GA, Oct. 26 / MerNewsNetwork / – In an announcement that surprised her vast fan base, internet celebrity Meredith Blumoff this afternoon endorsed leading internet superstar Guilty Squid in the worldwide election for internet coroner.

Ms. Squid, a charismatic internet personality, has charmed millions with her tales of Texan homestyle living, information-technology foibles and relationships with childhood safety icons.

reiki master, indeed.

Reiki master, indeed.

As previously reported, after a spiritual weekend with her Reiki master, the Texan superstar decided to realign her fame and outreach in an effort to improve the world around her, namely the interwebs.

Along that vein, Ms. Squid reportedly meditated on the subject, rather than research and weigh options, and in an epiphany, realized her life’s ambition would be to serve as coroner of the internet.

“Today, my friends, I am announcing my candidacy for the position of Honorary Coroner of The Internet. Friends, this is not a decision I took seriously,” said the superstar during a televised junket earlier this week. “Rather, I just jumped right in without even thinking about it. I don’t have any illusions about the hard work it will take to win, in fact – it was pretty hard work to even GET here. So, there’s that.”

Ms. Blumoff, of course, known for her pithy statements and profound blog posts, has never before entered into the political arena in any way, preferring to spend her mental and emotional energy on much more serious issues facing mankind, not least of which include her hair and footwear choices.

However, encouraged by her mother Jane, the young idol stated this afternoon that she felt it her duty to speak up about the importance of the role of internet coroner and encourage others to vote.

“My friends, it is a new day in my world, as I dip my perfectly pedicured toes into the political waters speaking to you today,” Ms. Blumoff said in a strong, quiet voice. “While I have avoided the nasty world of politics before now, I feel I must speak to you about an important crisis facing our nation. And other nations, too. All of them.”

Ms. Blumoff continued talking about the importance of the position and of the race, as it faces a new population in a new era, even relaying internet forensic pathology statistics in her speech.

Squid & Blumoff together in the Hamptons, 2010.

Squid & Blumoff together in the Hamptons, 2010.

She then continued brightly, “And that is why I am taking this moment out of my very busy day to lend my support to the very best candidate for the job, my friend Guilty Squid!”

The announcement, of course, was greeted with the enthusiastically positive response to which Ms. Blumoff is accustomed.

While the young celebrity’s friendship with Ms. Squid has been well documented, it does come as quite the shocker that Ms. Blumoff would involve herself in any way in a political race. Indeed, this intrepid reporter finds herself none too astonished the young beauty understands the impact her backing will have on the election, or the vast importance the election itself holds.

Nevertheless, all citizens of the internet are encouraged to exercise their right to vote in this election for whichever candidate they feel will do the best job.

Cough, cough, Guilty Squid.

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hey world. here i am., i am serious and don't call me shirley!, what sweet madness

In which my first post in a week gets a little out of control.

Say, remember that time Mer managed to over-program herself, lose a friend to cancer, plan a whirlwind trip to Florida, get a monstrous and highly contagious viral infection, cancel her trip to Florida, throw a personal pity party and blush with mortification for 24 hours straight after her mother posted the only childhood story she was forbidden to post?

(And then start a post talking about it in the third person?)

Yeah, you know, that time. Incidentally, that time also coincided with a week in which my favorite people swooped in to cover my blog posts with their own funny (or plaintive) stories, which means I HAVEN’T HAD TO BLOG IN A WEEK AND OH SHIT DO I EVEN REMEMBER HOW.

The answer, of course, is no, because I don’t remember anything, regardless of ridiculo-crazy hiatus status.

And so, get excited, people, because tonight you’re being treated to the claptrap that currently rattles through my brain, without organization or thematic diction.

I simply don’t have the energy for malice aforethought.

Did you know that you can buy a White Castle-scented candle – conveniently raising money for Autism Speaks – and fill your house with the aroma of greasy, fake-oniony goodness?

I get buying shit for charity – yes, I am as sweet and generous as I look – but what I can’t quite figure out is why you’d do so. Maybe if you’re doing fast-food related penance?

Someone explain Catholicism to me here, quick.

‘Cause if your home smells like your favorite mustard-slathered cheat food, that should mean you get to eat some, right? And if you have filled your abode with the scent of that white-and-blue-boxed deliciosity AND you cannot imbibe said treats –

Wait. Wait right there.

This is not a case for justifiable homicide, dudes.

"nothin' like it," indeed, my friend.

this is a krystal. a white castle looks far skeevier, i promise.

Now, if we were talking Krystal-scented merchandise, there might be some legal precedent to back you up. Or I might make some up. Either way, it’d be mighty compelling.

Shut up.

Speaking of Krystals, which I will now have on the brain until I can savor the little greasy squares with their perfectly square cheese! And little majestic patty! And the pickles! Ohhhh, the pickles!

Ahem.

This morning, while still too contagious and conscientious to grace my coworkers with my phlegmy, virally presence, I decided I was not too nasty infectious to cough my way through the grocery store and my local Krystal drive-thru to re-up on necessary supplies.

You see, my mother has taken ill. Sad, pathetic illness in the form of mild to moderate vertigo, will renders her dizzy and unable to stand, COMPLETE WITH SAD, PATHETIC BACK-OF-THE-HAND-TO-THE-FOREHEAD PITIFULNESS.

One might think that perhaps said illness – whose onset was sudden and (vaguely) acute – just might be FUCKING KARMA FOR POSTING THAT DAMN STORY.

Wait, seriously, you can’t see how this ties into the Krystals thing? You mean, proprietary greasy square beef patties on itty bitty greasy buns with diced onion, pickles, cheese and mustard AREN’T on your get-well supplies list?

That’s just blasphemy.

In addition to mmmmmmmmm I can’t say the name again I must have them I must I must I must I – cough.

Along with those heavenly sammiches, the Mer care package – in order to be the official Mer care package, let’s just be straight here – must also include relevant meds, sugar, salty starch, a Coca-Cola (yes, that’s a completely different requirement from “sugar”) and booze.

THIS IS THE TRANSITION HEX YOU THINK I MADE IT CLEAR ENOUGH I’M KINDA WORRIED EEEP.

Also, my ass must take this moment to thank Publix for their buy-one-get-one Snickers deal today.

So after coughing my smiles to Vera, my favorite Publix cashier, I toted her well wishes home with me, in the bag right next to said candy bars, Mama’s meds, the Coke and fries from Krystal and these two beautiful babies.

wait a minute. i'm a middle sister. i'm a drama queen. I'M A SMARTY PANTS.

wait a minute. i'm a middle sister. i'm a drama queen. I'M A SMARTY PANTS.

Interestingly, I researched and wrote an article on this line of wines last week, and wearing my professional panties, I could not throw myself on my knees before them and beg and plead that they love me forever.

I mean, look at that. Middle Sister. Drama Queen. CAN WE JUST DISCUSS THE PARALLELS PLEASE FOR A MINUTE HERE.

Or, you know, look at the wine. Now back at me. Now back at the wine. Now back? At me.

The girl has a bun.   <3   Favorite lazy hairstyle!

Brunette.   <3   We are so twinsies.

Wearing green.   <3 I FUCKING LOVE GREEN.

So, now that I’ve finally hitched up my bloggin’ panties again, Middle Sister, please take this ridiculous post as a sign of my love and DESPERATE DESIRE TO BE BESTIES FOREVER AND ALWAYS AND PLAY AT FUN PARTIES AT BLOGHER AND BLOGALICIOUS AND NEW YORK BRIDAL FASHION WEEK AND EVERYTHING EVER AND ALWAYS.

Cough.

remember me?

remember me?

For my next trick, I will magically transition from disgustingly tedious fangirl blogger into the brilliant, suave, underspoken and oversexed PROFESSIONAL WRITER you all know and love.

Interestingly, I have, in fact, not imbibed one drop of that magical elixir we call boxed wine tonight – I’m saving the Middle Sisters bottles for a special occasion this week, ladies, I promise! – nor the Indian beer I was craving with my lamb samosas earlier.

Seriously, nothing pairs better with those crazy-ass dumplings than a little Taj Mahal, amirite.

No, this overly long rambly post comes straight to you from the unadulterated, sober mind of, well, someone who’s on lots of cold medicine and can’t get enough sleep.

And indeed, I can’t find a way to bitch about my wine-less state without sounding like I’ve got a problem.

But a bitch ain’t one?

GOOD LORD MEREDITH BACK ON TRACK

What I mean to say is I love wine. I reeeeeeally love wine. But you know what I love more?

No, asshole, not attention. Wine is wayyyy better than attention.

But my hero, Guilty Squid? She’s even better than wine.

she said, as i downloaded the image, "It'll be like I'm IN YOUR COMPUTER" which, frankly, made my night.

she said, as i downloaded the image, "It'll be like I'm IN YOUR COMPUTER" which, frankly, made my night.

See, this one time? She started turning blue. No, really, blue. Which is, like, SO OBV a sign of superheroness I cannot even believe I have to explain this to you. And then she just ABSOLUTELY GOT ME, like, really, really got me! In her post about Smokey the fucking Bear, that asshole.

So, what I’m saying here, badly, because apparently I’m losing some steam here, three pages in, is this bitch is the fucking best. (And y’all, she just used a hashtag in an IM conversation and OH MY GOD IT WAS SO CUTE I CAN’T STAND IT.)

And I mention her today of all days because she is a candidate in one of this decade’s most important political races. Our children’s futures depend on your vote, people, for your favorite self-proclaimed internet superstar and mine.

Guilty Squid is the leading candidate in the 2010 election of Honorary Internet Coroner.

I’m not sure I can adequately express how important this election is. So, fuck it, I’m not even gonna try. Just take my damn word for it, ok? YES I’LL SEND YOU BAKED GOODS. Fuck, y’all are so needy.

So. Go here. Read this. And vote.

Tweet your little hearts out.

TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!

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