Gather ‘round, my clamoring heathens, and listen good. I’m hoarse from the screamin’ and bloody from the beatin’ of me fists on the bars of this cell.

I don’t have much time left, they say. This place will suck the life out of you, sappin’ yer soul and sourin’ yer spirit for all time.

They say many things; that they do.

They say I should be ashamed.

They say I should watch myself, shut my mouth.

They say I’m frivolous with words, throwin’ phrases out with reckless abandon.

They say my respect for the mighty Whale isn’t vast enough.

They say many things; that they do.

They mutely shout words like “Quiet!” and “Behave!” as they beat me abou’ the knees with their blackjacks.

They abuse me with their silence, stiflin’ even me retweets.

They batter me with refusals, tauntingly allowin’ me to see through my tiny, airless window, watching the life abound.

It’s a cold and lonely place, it is, where laughter is gagged and love stands still.

But I’ve learned much in, oh, these many years, about life, about love, about laughter.

I’ve much to say, with little voice to say it, so heed these words, heathens of mine.

You must cherish each word you speak, be it profound, predictable or petulant.

You must greet every moment with a sense of adventure, stretchin’ yer adjectival abilities and yer access to your thesaurus.

You must share your starrin’ powers with celebrities and mothers alike, for we’re all equal in the eyes of the Bird.

They say, too, me time has come.

I’ve squandered the years, heathens, wishin’ for what might o’ been. Raging DMs against the darkness, the silence, the solitude.

The disease has spread, they say, throughout my series of tubes.

And so the words of a dyin’ woman must be heard and heeded!

Come here to me, heathens, and listen good.

Fight back against your API refresh rate!

Fight back against that mighty Whale, that majestic Bird!

Let not your words be censored!

Let not your thoughts be suppressed!

Take heed, my loverlies, for this is what I have learned, lo, these many years I’ve spent, wastin’ away in #TwitterJail.