People, this is a cop-out post. Straight up. I am tired but here is your recipe. Also, do not tell me bread pudding is a sweet dish and cannot be savory, because that is bullshit and here’s why: THIS DAMN RECIPE.

Feeds 8ish. Kinda depends on whether or not you let the kids have any.

Butternut Squash Bread Pudding

Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for splashing. Which is fun.
• 2 medium onions, chopped. With or without goggles.
• 1½ pounds butternut squash (approx half of the most phallic one you can find in the store), peeled, seeded & cut into ½-inch-ish chunks
• 2 tablespoons fresh sage (or 1 teaspoon powdered sage)
• 6 large eggs
• 2 cups whole milk
• ¾ pound Italian or French bread, cut or torn into 1-inch pieces, about 7½ cups (I found one 12-oz baguette to be perfect)
• ½ pound Gruyere, grated (around 2 cups). Go with Ementhaler if you can afford it. Is yummy. So there.
• Salt & pepper but NOT Left-Eye.
• and, obv, wine. but only for you to drink. not to put in the recipe.

Heat oven to 375°. Oil a 2½- to 3-quart baking dish with a few splashes and some rubbing. But you know, tasteful rubbing.

Heat the 2 tbsps of oil in a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat, add onions, stir frequently because those motherfuckers like to burn, until they start to soften, 4 to 5 minutes.

Add the squash, season with ½ a tsp of salt and ¼ a tsp of pepper – or, you know, like, healthy dashes ‘cause those measurements are too small to deal with – and continue to cook with onions, stirring frequently, another 10 minutes more.

(I cooked the onions and squash for at least 20 minutes and they were perfect, so don’t worry. Also, invest in more expensive timers or wear your glasses when you look at the clock.)

Stir in the sage, let cool for 10 minutes. I used the powdered shit and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk and more healthy dashes of salt and pepper (seriously, “¼ a teaspoon” simply shouldn’t exist in salt & pepper parlance).

Here’s where you’d stop if you’re making this ahead of time – you’ve got your bread and you’ve got your custard base, you don’t want to blend them until you’re ready to bake. But if you’re ready – and yes, honey, only you can know if you’re ready – keep reading.

Toss the bread, cheese and squash mixture in a very big bowl with your hands and then pour custard mixture over it all, stirring to coat. It will shrink 2 or 3-fold in size, you know, like bread does when it gets wet. Science!

Toss that shizzz into your oiled baking dish and bake until set in the middle, about an hour.

I went with a higher-than-normal fancy baking dish, complete with ceramic shells on the sides. I KNOW SO FANCY. Anyway so. The reason I say this is that it was not your normal pyrex, so the center was awesomely softer than it would’ve been in your average 9×13 glass baby.

This has been your intrepid blogger, Meredith, TIRED AS FUCK, phoning it in with a Real Simple recipe that was actually quite simple and remarkably yummy.

gorgeous table on which said bread pudding was served. do not make fun of the ugly gourd. it is my favorite.