‘been down so long, down don’t bother me.’

Posted by on Friday, January 7, 2011 · 5 Comments 

Heathens,

I have been laboring under a big sad. Mm, that’s almost true — but no laboring, as that implies doing anything and I sure as hell haven’t been doing that.

I hate to admit, for a short time here, the terrorists have won. The headaches, weight gain and body pain have me by the neck and won’t let go — breathing is hard without tears, nonetheless writing, speaking, leaving the house.

It’s like what I imagine metaphorical castration to be — I can think, worry, hope for movement, action, activity, to-do-list starting — let alone finishing. I can will myself to pay that stupid bill that’s now five months overdue. I can plan out how I’ll take the dogs to the park, renew my tags, paint my office. I can imagine finishing the New Year’s post I’ve started. It’s really quite good, you know. The start of it.

But I can’t seem to do it, to finish it, to start.

Interestingly, I didn’t have to tell Kooky Doctor about this — she divined it herself. Which is the right word choice, because then she launched into a faaaaaabulous discussion of the divine — including the Buddha, yogis and, my favorite, Jesus — before handing me a prescription for more anti-depressants and a beta blocker that should both chill me out and stop the headaches.

Let us pray.

I do not tell you this to complain. I do not write this for the comments. I do not sit here for your support. I’ve already got it, I know. And lord, you cannot know how grand that is.

The point, I suppose, I’m trying to make is: LOOK I’M WRITING. Even if this is it. This is what I’ve got. Because I’ve got it. And that’s a start.

<3

Filed under good life choices, make a little bird house in your soul · Tagged with , , ,

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  • http://www.thepeachy1.blogspot.com ThePeachy1

    It was my medical condition diagnosis and constant pain that brought me to the internet for social interaction and then to the blog world. Now 2 years later, I still have more bad days than good, but I manage to make 1 or 2 people laugh, and the provide the same service to me, to take me out of this reality of non relinquishing pain the never ending level of hurt that pours over every ounce of me. I am just so very grateful that while I could, I psychically lived my life to the fullest, and now, that I may have more than a few physical limitations in front of me, I have my memories of life, and the every day smiles, from twitter, facebook and the blogosphere.

  • http://twitter.com/FlyteAphrodite Dizzy Goddesski

    I hope you feel better, Mer. I was thinking of you before I saw this post & was going to suggest acetaminofen as a possible headache cause – it was for me once – “rebound headaches” I was told.

    I do understand the “sad” & I’m glad you are still parking your butt in front of the blog when you can – sometimes a person’s will to continue is the best help to climb up from the dumps & even as hard as it is, like smiling to feel happy, it works.

  • http://twitter.com/andygirl Andrea Anthony

    honey, I get migraines. but if I’d had one as long as you have, I’d have run into a bus by now. so you get an award for still staying plucky and snarky and writing something that was not only coherent but lacked any spelling errors. you win.

  • margot

    agreed. kol hakavod for pressing on. because the holy one, blessed be she, knows that as much as your dedicated readers adore you and are happy you’re doing so – I (with a capital I) Love (with a capital L) you that much more and am simply captivated by the beauty and gift in the world that is You (with a capital Y). thus, despite brief hiatuses (yes, that’s a word) may you always continue to write and find your beginnings. <3.

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