Category Archives: Uncategorized

hey world. here i am., twitter, Uncategorized

In which Meredith is lazy and her intern kind of panics.

Hello, all you happy peppy people of Mer’s readership! It’s me, Mer’s intern. I’m back… don’t be mad. I’m entertaining too. I’m from Canada, it’s a given.

As you probably know, Mer has been covered in headaches for almost a full month now. As of the last week, she’s also been doped out of her skull on painkillers. And while you might be congratulating her, NO. Don’t. It, from what I can tell through her barely concious rambles, sucks harder than a vacuum cleaner attached to a black hole. She is not enjoying it. But I’m not ashamed to say that I am.

First of all, this cocktail of narcotics has reduced Mer’s long-term memory to zero. This has given me psychic powers, pertaining to Gatorade flavours(orange, in case you wanted to send her some), topics of future blogs, and her reccomended dosage. I am like unto a god to doped-up Mer, what with the mind-reading and the future-knowing.

Second of all, her voice goes up by at least an octave, and she loses the ability to type words. As we know from countless televisions shows and, in some cases, our drunken uncles (drunkles?), incoherence is funny. So that’s #2.

Anyways, Mer and I were talking. Actually, I can show you exactly what slightly-doped-up-Mer looks like. Here:

Mer: apparently
today’s outing
took way more energy than i thought
went to macy’s with kazz
90 minutes, maybe
so much loud and smelly and bright and talking and owwwwww
but!
did it!
am proud!
verrrr silly thing to be proud of
me: yay
it is cool
Mer: but am now so full of pineappole and meds
going back to sleep
She sleeps a lot now. Lazy-head. Anyways, minute(s) later:
Mer: wait
just realized
is another night
want to post?
me: me?
Mer: yes
me: …yes.
Mer: the floor is alllll yours, babe
I was trapped, kind of.
This tiny conversation led me to this. This post thing. I’m really hoping that I don’t have to do this often. I can feel Mer’s viewership going down.
For those of you who read to the end of this barely structured… thing, I’m really hoping you stick around, because I’m almost done, and this was not good.
…escape!
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The Book Of Jane, Uncategorized

The Book Of Jane: Paraprosdokian Fun

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

These examples came to me in an e-mail – I find them very clever. I don’t know the source, so I can’t give credit. Who knew there was a word for it?  It was a favorite comedic form for Groucho Marx and Dorothy Parker, but I’ll bet neither of them knew the term. My favorite is Dorothy’s “If you took all the women in New York City and laid them end-to-end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”

My next favorite erudite term is sesquipedalian; it means a word that’s too long or the people who use them. And it applies to paraprosdokians itself. How amusing.

Can you come up with your own paraprosdokian sentence?

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  • How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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I thought this was supposed to be easy?, not about my hair, twitter, Uncategorized

In which *I* take over Mer’s blog

Hi there, Mer’s readers!

You may not actually know me, but I’m Daniel. I’m from the Internet, specifically Canada, and I’m Meredith’s intern.

A few weeks ago, she tweeted something along the lines of “I can’t do work give meh interns plz.” Because I’m the nicest guy ever, I let her know I was interested. That was essentially it. I figured that nothing would actually happen, and that it was a fun title. Ha ha. NO. I was wrong.

On October 6th, 13 days ago, she assembled her interns (me), and gave me some work to do. If you haven’t been following this blog for 13 days, then let me refresh your memory.

There are a lot of links in that post. I found a lot of those links. It was not undifficult. My fingers hurt. What’s more? I was on my phone! It was brutal. But a glutton for punishment I am, so the next day, the cycle repeated. And the next. And the next.

It’s been 13 days, and I’ve helped a lot.

I’ve found pictures of her hair. I’ve found pictures of her car. I’ve given her full post ideas. I made her an angel!

This took me a while. I'm not good at image editing.

But really, I’m grateful. I’m not busy often, and helping someone blog is actually really satisfiying. This must be what success feels like.

I’m actually a really big fan of menial labour, so this type of research assistance feels right at home. I used to carry maps at art festivals. This doesn’t feels so different, except less moving.

Oh, boss-lady told me not to call it menial labour. I’m a big fan of being a “writing/research assistant”

Hm. I guess if she wants to call it that. She’s the boss.

–

And since Mer gets a lot more views on her blog than I do mine, here’s mine! I update weekly. And my Twitter!

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